Confession Of My Character

Bombay, August 08, 7:15pm: It’s Wednesday evening, with a dour weather outside and I am listening to Pink Floyd (My faithful partner in tough times). Last month has been the most tyring month of my life as my life took a drift from the so called “Happy-Go-Lucky-Side” to the miserable side. Normally, I am supposed to be very RELAXED as these things keep on happening. But for some reason I get this empty feeling!! Blank head….empty heart… feeling-less mood!!

Am I tired?? Bored?? Frustrated?? Depressed?? Everything OK with me??? Is something missing?? Is something wrong???

Why don’t I go to all those events I used to attend?? Why don’t I attend all those get together at friend’s place?? Well….that’s because in the past 6months I broke all the ties with my so called friends and had made new set of friends…with whom I used to hangout. In fact now after a month I do realise that I had become a selfish brat who was only thinking about himself. His happiness. His likes. I would be honest, I still miss everything I used to do, and I still love those. I love myself for being social, being happy, lively!!! But why suddenly I have started taking the other route! Why don’t I come here in my blog and keep talking about my thoughts, what I read, stumble, my believes…my good time  and my bad time stories…..why have I become a creature with no vision ahead?? Why have I become the Rounak I never envisioned?? Is this the place where you should stop, when you reach a certain stage of your dream?? Is this what happens when you don’t know what to look forward to anymore??

I am still looking for an answer. But, one thing I have realized, “How Bad I am as A Person…?” that I keep stumbling upon the same thing. Yes, I am a bad guy, in fact if I could punish someone today, I would have punished myself; a corporal one.

I would be honest; those 6months were the best ones I could ever have. I made new friends (till then the good ones). With whom I used to hangout, drink and to some extent used to jam (musically). But all of a sudden, everything changed, I was left with no friends, in fact I was been asked to “re-friend” with some of my old friends. I was been accused of lying to people. There were few who questioned my character too. Things had changed, and changed miserably. In fact my so called close friends had accused me of few things which I was never a part of. In other words they just abandoned me at a time when I needed them the most.

You may ask, “then…why didn’t tell them the truth?” To that I would say I never lied to them, so from where the question of “truth” comes. Moreover, I have always believed, it’s very difficult to change people’s perception about your character. I was alone, yes I was. Although, there are people who don’t believe to this and I am sure, if they are reading this piece right now, they must be saying “what rubbish…??!!”

Believe it or not, I was alone. But the problem with me is, I have an acceptance problem. I find it really difficult to accept certain facts of life. Probably, I wasn’t like this earlier or I was like this earlier also but never got the chance to experience. As Shakespeare, had once said; “Expectation is the root of all heartaches” and ask me I’ll tell you that I am actually experiencing it right now. I used to think about my thoughts and used to tell myself, “STRANGE!!” and since when I became so melodramatic? But then at times our fate can be so much stranger than fiction.

When my so called good friends left me, it actually created a void. But then in everyones’ life there are voids in some or the other form and it’ll always be there, no matter how much one tries….by work or by idling. ‘Void’ is a fact of life.

Whatever it’s, in the past one month I really think, I have gone psychedelic. The kind of thoughts that intercepts my mind is more violent than the actual ones. But to be honest, till now I don’t have any grudges against anyone. Neither, I blame anyone for the outcomes of my life. Because I believe whatever I face, is because of my own actions. That period, which was the best moment of my life, was because of my good deeds and whatever I am facing now is because of my bad deeds.

In fact, I am grateful to all those people who made my life so beautiful may be for few months but it was worth of fond memories.

I don’t know why, but this evening is making me ponder about these today. I just want to ask myself ‘Is everything OK??’ I hope and pray for all of you, who conferred me with some of the best times of my life.

I don’t know whether you guys will be reading this piece or not, but all I want to say that let our good words be scattered all over this poor world where positive wind blows under the azure sky. Nevertheless, at the end all I want to say, you guys were, are and will be good people and probably, I don’t deserve the goodness of yours’ anymore but my prayers and good wishes are and will always be there with you all.

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